When I was in sixth grade, I won an all-expenses-paid trip to Disney World. My entire family and I traveled to the Magic Kingdom to experience Orlando for the very first time. While we were there, we ventured onto the Thunder Mountain roller coaster.
My stomach sank as we inched through the line, closer to the ride's starting point. Fear and anxiety raced up and down my body, as our time to embark on our three and half minute journey began. As the safety harnesses snapped tight, I felt an internal voice screaming at me to get off the ride. Before I could respond, a jolt of energy catapulted us forward, and there was nothing I could do!
However, I foolishly tried clawing and grasping the imaginary breaks on the sides of my seat to no avail. My head shook violently left and right, right and left, as the ride skimmed rocky cliffs. My stomach dropped as we maneuvered our way up and down the confines of a man-made mountain.
No matter how much I tried, there was no way that I was going to stop the momentum of the coaster. The more I tried to control the coaster, the more anxiety, and fear that I felt.
The Roller Coast of Control
What made me think that I could control a roller coaster with my bare hands? Although it sounds foolish, many of us find ourselves in a daily struggle to control life. We try to manage our schedules, personal health, retirement plans, children, the future, or the actions and behaviors of others. Yet, life has a way of laughing at our naiveté, prescribing an unexpected crisis, an unplanned meeting, or a canceled flight to knock us off kilter.
With the emotion and anger of a two-year-old, we find ourselves yelling, kicking, clawing, and screaming at life's sudden decision to change our course. We try to counter life's blows through stubbornness, anger, resentment, blame, and self-centeredness. Life yawns at our attempts to stop the momentum of life with our bare hands.
Through many sleepless nights and anxiety-laced days, I have learned there are some things beyond our control. We cannot control an unexpected diagnosis, the sting of death, or the choices of a cheating spouse. We cannot shield our child from the calamities and ugliness found in this world. We cannot tame the beast of addiction without the willingness to get well.
We forget that life is not about what happens to you, but how you react and respond. We only have control of our actions, behaviors, and decisions. We can choose to be miserable or we can choose to be happy. We can choose to hate or choose to love. We can choose to harbor resentment or choose to forgive.
However, I have also realized that sometimes we use our actions, behaviors, and decisions as an attempt to manipulate life and grasp for control. We may relinquish control of a broken relationship, but use gossip as a tool to alter our reputation through half-truths, lies, and gossip. We may speak the words of forgiveness from our mouths, but harbor resentment and anger deep within our soul. We deflect reality through businesses, addiction, or self-pity.
Don't get me wrong, it is important to talk about our problems, process hurt, find new things to do, and avoid staying in your hurt. If you are honest with yourself, what are your intentions? Is talking about your broken relationship helping you move forward or backward? For example, if you are talking to a counselor or trusted friend, there is healing in talking about the hurt that you are experiencing. If you are talking to someone as a PR move, then you are only stirring up hurt as an attempt to control how others perceive you.
When my wife first left, I found myself reaching out to people as an attempt to cope with the hurt and pain. After a few weeks, I found myself beginning to use my situation as an attempt to gain sympathy. I had to stop because I was preventing myself from healing. Although I am not perfect, I am slowly learning to state the facts and spare the juicy details to anyone and everyone.
If you are struggling, it may be helpful to ask yourself: Will this action, behavior, or decision help me move forward or backward?
Conclusion:
When we try grasping for control, we cannot let go and end up hurting ourselves (and others) even more. A great example of this happened just the other day when I took my children to the doctors to get a flu shot. Both of my children fear needles, which causes their bodies to tense up. When our bodies tense up, so do our muscles, which make the process of receiving a shot painful. However, when we loosen our arms, the process of getting a shot is much more comfortable and doesn't hurt as much several hours later.
How often do you and I tense up in stressful situations? How often do we try to grasp for control and manipulate the situation? I am finding that moving forward can be difficult, but I have to realize that it is a process. You have to process your thoughts and feelings. You have to talk it out with other people. You have to give yourself space and time to heal. Eventually, you must move forward and let go.
It will get better, I promise! Just stop trying to control life's momentum by pushing against it. Instead, bask in the current of life and allow it to take you to your healing destination. The waves and current will lead you
