We put stuff in drawers, closets, rooms, and garages. The storage room industry has exploded because we don't have enough room in our homes for our stuff.
It doesn't help that our culture is obsessed with getting more. We buy new cars, new homes, second homes, and take lavish vacations. We devote entire holidays to giving and receiving. The average consumer estimates that they spent more than $900 on Christmas gifts this past year.
The Human Yard Sale
But there are some things that we do not like to deal with. The human race is like a human yard sale of issues and dysfunctions. We all have quirks, bad habits, addictions, misconceptions, and lies that we tell ourselves and others. If you feel like you are alone, you are not.
The truth spoke to me through a locksmith, who came to my house to replace my locks. We started a conversation filled with the typical pleasantries, but our conversation quickly turned to the nature of why he was there.
As my locksmith slowly changed the locks, he began changing my heart and perspective. It was as if the hurt and vulnerability created a new depth of conversation that I never had before experienced. He took a bold risk and shared his story marital and personal failures, providing an example of courage that spoke to my heart. My locksmith owned his shortcomings and did not hide behind lies, half-truths, or conveniently left out information.
I began to think about the 50% of my marriage that I had messed up. I was responsible for half of the lies, dysfunction, and selfishness. We cannot change the other person's behavior, but we can change ours. We cannot change the mistakes that we made in the past, but we can take steps to address them.
When I began to own my 50%, I began to experience freedom, unlike anything I have ever had before. There were no more lies to hide behind. The facade was stripped away, and I was beginning to understand who I was as a person.
We all deal with our 50% in different ways. We may try to sweep it under the rug and forget about it - only for it to poison future relationships or reappear at the most inopportune time. We may dwell in a pool of perpetual self-blame, leaving us too depressed and self-consumed to have any value to others.
I am not saying go out and scream to the world of your inequities, drink away your problems, or engage in beating yourself up. Through my experience, I have learned:
- Be Honest. It is important to be honest with yourself about what you did to contribute to the failures of the relationship. It is important to express your 50% whether you need to talk with a close friend, go to counseling, write it down, paint, or exercise. You have to expose the lies you have been telling others and yourself. It may hurt, but it will begin the healing process.
- Make Things Right. The Bible talks about the importance of confessing our sins to one another. There is an entire industry devoted to listening to your problems for $100 to $200 an hour. We are wired with the need to release the burden of our minds, hearts, and souls. Many seek counseling, but fail to seek forgiveness. Let go of your pride and embrace forgiveness.
- Take Steps to Change. The definition of insanity has been described as doing the same thing expecting different results. Your habits and behaviors got you here, now it is time to change. If you need to seek professional help or enlist another person to keep you accountable, do it. It may be temporary, but it can have lifetime implications if you don't begin to change.
- Forgive Yourself. You must forgive yourself in order to heal. If you cannot forgive yourself, you will always have an open wound. I realized that I failed miserably as a husband, father, son, friend, brother, and employee. I had no one to blame for my 50% but myself, but I had to realize that I was no longer that person. I had a choice to become a different person.
- Move On. Once you have acknowledged your shortcomings and have taken steps to address it, it is time to let go and move on. You must continue to move forward and make progress, but you cannot do that if you are holding on to the past.
