Making Meaning of Chaos
When your marriage crumbles, it is only natural to want to search for answers to provide closure. We need to understand why so that we can move on and learn from our experiences. However, there are times when our quest for answers can turn our imagination into overdrive. Divorce is like an onion, there is always another layer of lie and deceit under each layer you peel.
The longer I go through this process, the more I am starting to realize that knowing absolutely everything can be more harmful than helpful in the healing process. There is a fine line between accepting your spouse's betrayal and needing to know specific dates, times, and locations. At some point, you have to let go of the fact that you are never going to know everything about the demise of your marriage. We have to be careful because obsessing over every little detail can harm us more than help us at times.
The other day, I spoke with a friend who found herself shocked by her spouse's betrayal. There were times when she felt like she was in the middle of an emotional logjam, unable to move forward and get through the hurt. Every memory sparked another jealous rage. Every broken promise pierced her soul like shattered glass. She realized that it was eating away at who she was as a person, mother, daughter, and friend. When she decided to let go of her burden, she suddenly felt free. The sheer amount of emotional and mental energy required to get through a divorce is exhausting. It is no wonder why many of us feel like we are stuck and unable to move forward.
The Art of Moving Forward
I am learning that moving forward from divorce is an art in its own right. To pick up the pieces of your broken life requires a strength and courage that few of us think we have. Once you go through it, you will never be the same.I am amazed by the number of people who have experienced divorce and are willing to share their stories with me. Although I am not an expert on divorce, I have learned from others that moving forward requires more than just willpower. It involves viewing this broken season as an opportunity to grow.
One friend told me that she would have never made it through her divorce without "friends, family, and faith." Another person told me that they used divorce as an opportunity to rediscover their identity and learn something new. Perhaps this is why so many people going through a divorce take up a new hobby, go back to school and travel.
In the book titled The Art of Racing in the Rain, the main character is a dog named Enzo, who shares life lessons he has learned from his master, a race car diver. His master had the unique talent of being able to drive exceptionally well in the rain. Enzo discovers that the secret of driving in the rain involves your eyes. "Where your eyes go, is where your car goes." Where our emotional eyes go, is where our life goes.
If we obsess over every minute detail of our spouse's double-life, we will not see the opportunities to create a new life, which lie before our eyes. If we brood in anger over our ex, we will never fully heal. If we begin each day with looking for the good, we will find blessings around each corner. If we use this opportunity as a chance to grow, we will begin to grow and change our lives. Where do your eyes go? Where is your heart going? Do you actually want to move forward or are you content staying stuck in an emotional logjam?
Move forward, so that you can begin to heal. Let go, so that you can embrace life. Use this time to become better and not bitter.
