Children with guns illicit strong emotional responses from adults across the globe. Regardless of your belief system, many of us find something fundamentally wrong with elementary school-aged children with weapons fighting wars intended for adults.
And yet - we recruit our own children to fight as child soldiers in divorce.
Child Soldiers
No child should ever have to experience the perils of a divorce. Unfortunately, the tentacles of divorce have touched generations of children, who did not have a choice. They are exposed to the shrapnel of hurt feelings, angry words, deceit, selfishness, and anger.
We throw grenades of insults and bombshells of half-truths in an attempt to win a war that will never be entirely won. The hearts of our children are not up for grabs because they are already ours. Our thoughtless words and actions are like tanks that push them away. Years later, we wonder why our children still feel the effects of devastation on their lives.
Planting Seeds or Weeds
We have a choice to plant seeds or weeds in our children's lives each day. If we truly care about our children, we need to set aside our weapons intended to harm our spouse or level the playing field. What your spouse did or did not do...what they said or didn't say...it does not matter. We are just planting weeds in our children, which are more harmful than helpful.
We have an obligation to protect our children and support them through the process. We need to plant the seeds of goodness, love, and caring, which will blossom as our children get older. We sometimes fail to remember that our children hurt just as bad as we do. Our children are NOT pawns in a war between two adults.
As I sit here embarrassed by my shortness with my daughter, I think about what I can do differently in the future. In other words, what can I do to plant seeds instead of weeds?
1. Will You Get Better or Bitter?
Every day we have a choice, we can get better or bitter. We can choose to become bitter about the broken promises, hurtful words, and harmful actions; however, our bitterness is like the stomach bug. It is contagious and will cause strife in your children.
Replace your bitterness with grace. My children and I try to speak as positively as possible about their mother. In fact, we make it a point to pray for her each evening. I also reaffirm that I love and care for their mother and nothing or no one will ever change that.
Even though it is difficult now, choosing the high road will yield better results and produce faster healing.
2. Give Yourself a Minute
One person that I talked with compared the process of healing from divorce with hot flashes. Sometimes hurt and pain come out of nowhere like a thunderstorm on the Dakota prairies. When the storms of emotion rush upon you, give yourself a moment.
If you are in the middle of a firestorm with your children, excuse yourself and give yourself a moment. If you are overwhelmed with stress and depression, give yourself a moment to cry. If you find yourself in a pit of hopelessness, give yourself a minute to text or call someone for help.Think for a moment about the last trip you took on a plane. Prior to takeoff, a barrage of emergency instructions are given, something many of us ignore. The airline employees make it a point to state that if the cabin loses air pressure, grab your air mask first, then help others. We are in the same boat. If you do not take a moment to take care of yourself, you will not be able to help your children.
3. Adopt an Attitude of Gratitude
It is very easy to become self-centered when the weight of the world is upon your shoulders. It is easy to become selfish when the world around you is crashing down. Just realize that this season will not last forever. You will get out of this!The other night, I was feeling irritable. Instead of letting myself take it out on my children, we decided to create a gratitude journal. We talked about and wrote down the things we are grateful for. Something fascinating happened after we wrote down a few items, the weight lifted and we became happier.
I mentioned that bitterness is contagious, but so is happiness. You can change the entire atmosphere of your home by changing your attitude and focus on gratitude.
You can't control the actions and words of your spouse, but you can control your attitude. You may not be able to control the financial struggles you are experiencing, but you can choose to be grateful for time with your children and the things you do have. You may not be able to control the pressure you experience on a daily basis, but you can be grateful that you are still living and that you have your children.
Conclusion
I am not an expert. I am just a fellow traveler on a journey that I never wanted, but I want to take this time to encourage you and share with you what I have learned.
If you are guilty of using your children as pawns in the war between you and your spouse, it is time to put down your weapons. It is time to stop your recruiting efforts and public relation smear campaigns. We are the adults and we need to act as so.
Put down the weapons of words, half-truths, and selfishness. You are only harming yourself by holding on to the bitterness. It is time to let go.
As I conclude, I want to leave you with two resources that I have found helpful. The first resource is The Children's Bill of Rights in Divorce. All parents should read this in order to protect their children from the perils of divorce.
The second resource is a sermon by Joel Olsteen titled "Drop It." Regardless of your religious background, it may be helpful to hear this encouraging message.
