If I was honest with myself, I was not the best husband, father, or person. In fact, when I looked in the mirror, I didn't like what I saw; however, I was still shocked to learn of issues reserved between a husband and wife were now fed to my children, my entire neighborhood, and my church family. What could I do?
The Foundation of Trust
Trust is one of the most difficult things to develop in any relationship. Once it is gone, it is a very difficult thing to get back. The trust that I once had with my children was destroyed because of truths, half-truths, and complete fabrications.
My journey has taught me that the foundation of divorce is built on a lack of trust. No one goes to their wedding day expecting to be divorced; however, over time things begin to happen that erode the foundation of trust that was once established. Divorce hurts, regardless of whether you did the initiating or were initiated upon, whether you cheated or were cheated on, or whether it was expected or unexpected.
What Did I Do?
The Bible talks about where there is light, there is no darkness. I thought about this for a while and came to the conclusion that I needed to be completely honest with my children, family, and friends about the 50 % of my marriage that I messed up.
This is contrary to what society tells us to do. We live in a culture, where it is socially acceptable to lie, cheat, and cast blame on others. Even though I was being blamed for so many different things, I decided to be completely honest about my faults and spare my children from discussing the faults of my ex.
I'm not going to tell you that I have it all figured out or that I have been perfect. No one ever is.
I'm not going to tell you that there are days when it isn't exceptionally hard to see your children living a few doors away with their new "family."
However, through all of this hurt, I began to realize that there was no more room for darkness in my life. I knew that transparency was the only way to overcome pain and re-establish trust.
The human side of me wanted to run the other direction! I was worried about being judged or looked at differently. I was scared about what other people would think of me. My ego wanted to cast stones at my ex's behavior rather than mine; however, it no longer mattered.
What I Learned
When I began to be transparent with my children, family, and friends, something interesting began to happen...
1. What Was Meant for Bad Was Used for Good
What was intended to destroy me, actually created stronger more meaningful relationships with others. The more I began to share the painful and most intimate details of my life, the more respect family and friends began to have for me.
It took courage to share the most embarrassing and intimate details of my life, but I am a better person for being honest about my shortcomings. My courage created a level of honesty and trust that I never had before.
Do you have an area in your life, where you could be more honest? What's holding you back? Why are you still holding on to your secrets?
2. I Grew
Until about a year ago, I would thoughtlessly tear down others, spew insults, and take things personally; however, the more I travel the road past divorce, the more I believe that casting blame on others (especially your ex) is a sign of weakness.
Sure, I could have cast blame on my ex for many of her moral failures, but would that have really helped? It would have only derailed my progress, destroyed trust, and hurt me more than the other person.
Is there a person that you have to let go of and forgive? Is there something that was done to you or said about you that you have to let go?
3. My Testimony Began to Grow
We all have a purpose in life. I was slowly beginning to realize that my purpose was to encourage others going through a divorce. How could I do that without actually going through it myself?
It was an important lesson to realize that our worst moments can serve as a compass for someone else. Life was never meant to be lived alone; instead, life is meant to be a collaborative event, where we share, grow, and learn from each other.
What is your purpose? What pain and suffering can you share with others? How can the pain and suffering that you have experienced in life help guide others?
Conclusion
I began to realize that there could be no more darkness in my life. Instead of hiding behind lies, I decided to do something that I never thought was possible. I told the truth about the 50% of my marriage that I messed up.
Many people thought it was foolish, but my transparency set me free and made me the person I am today.
