Swimming Away My Fear

In my opinion, fear is one of the biggest roadblocks to progress post-divorce because of the anxiety it generates. Think for a moment of the number of casualties caused by many of the false emotions appearing real. We can grow fearful of starting over, fear to let others in, and experience paralysis from the responsibilities associated with the other side of the dissolution of marriage.

If our lives had ingredient labels, fear would appear at the top of my life as one of the main ingredients in my life. I never realized how much fear oppressed my life until I found myself rummaging through the aftermath of my divorce. Recently, I have had several experiences that have confronted my thinking, and I want to share some lessons that I have learned about facing fear.

1. Confronting Fear

A few months ago, I realized that fear had oppressed my ability to live and enjoy life when I was invited by a few friends to go kayaking and fishing. No big deal, right? It was a massive deal to me because I never learned how to swim. I decided to say that I was "busy" instead of admitting that I paralyzed with fear and embarrassment.

Throughout my lifetime, my normal reaction to fear was to run away; however, I have learned to confront my fears through the pain associated with my divorce. Embarrassed by the fact that I didn't learn such a valuable skill, I made the humbling decision to begin taking swim lessons at a local organization. I quickly realized that I was more afraid of the reactions of others than I was of the water. It was humbling to be the one adult private swim lesson following a group of three-year-olds, who were able to do more in the water than I could.

I had to make a weekly commitment to confront my fear and see that there was a whole new world of experiences, opportunities, and hobbies on the other side. When you are faced with fear, do you tend to run or confront your fear? Perhaps confronting your fear is the first step towards growing into a stronger person. You are stronger and more resilient than you think!

2. Letting Go of Control

Untamed fear is a powerful master, crushing dreams, disabling progress, and leaving destruction in its path. I was talking to a friend the other day, who is in a relationship that he knows he should get out of, but he is fearful of being alone. My heart goes out to my friend because I can completely understand and relate to the fact that fear can control almost every aspect of our lives.

Have you ever been fearful of being cared about? There is a warped part of my psyche that believes that I deserve to be alone and isolated, screaming "you are unlovable," "you don't deserve happiness," and "you will never be accepted for the horrible things you have done."

Can you relate? We all have our little quirks and mental traps, which are often triggered more intensely by fear, skewing our decision-making and often hurting others.

Although it is probably obvious to the naked eye, I recently discovered that fear has always been at the forefront of all of my relationships. My fear of rejection and intimacy hurt several amazing women because my fears outweighed reality, leaving them with feelings of hurt, confusion, and rejection. I am embarrassed and sorry for holding them at arm's length, rejecting them before they would reject me, because I needed to be in control so that I wouldn't get hurt. Unfortunately, in the end, I actually ended up hurting myself more because I pushed away love.

However, I recently entered into a relationship with a wonderful woman, who has challenged me to rethink my tendencies and previous experiences. She knows my junk and still accepts me. She knows my tendencies and has patience with me. She knows my mistakes and has compassion for me. I have to admit that I am confused because she knows the worst things about me and isn't intimidated.

She has taught me to let go of control and trust God's plan for our lives. Things may work out or they may not, but I do know one thing for sure, my life is so much better for knowing her.

Conclusion

Fear has conditioned me to think that all relationships are conditional, but I am learning that this is not true. We don't have to be perfect or have it all together. I am learning that feeling fear is not the same as accepting fear. We can feel and accept fear, allowing it to overpower of lives, paralyze our decision-making ability, and make our lives miserable.

I have to admit that there is a part of me that is scared to death of the unknown and the fact that someone cares about me so much. I have wrestled with the fear of hurting her, letting her down, or messing something up because I have a desire to be in control.

But something interesting has been happening. My experiences are teaching me to confront my fear, control what I can control, push through some of the false emotions that appear real, let go of the unknown, develop trust in others, and allow God to transform your life.