In mid-April, I decided to stop using Facebook for an extended amount of time because my mental health was suffering. After every visit, I found myself with anger, jealousy, judgment, cockiness, self-righteousness, and depression.
My Social Media Diet
A few days ago, I decided to go back on to Facebook and post something unimportant; however, the event of scrolling through social media was more significant than I had anticipated. While thumbing through social media posts, I became aware of a former colleague's image in Facebook's suggested friend's section. I was curious and decided to investigate.
When I clicked on this friend's profile picture, it became apparent that this individual had made some surprising and significant life choices since I had last talked to them three years ago.
Feelings of anger and raged swelled up inside of me because I composed a narrative of this person's decisions based upon images, social media posts, and my own biased thinking. My ego wants to be right about the conclusions that I made; however, I will never fully know this person's truth, but I know my truth.
I am a judgemental jerk at times.
I struggle with viewing the world through the lenses of judgment. When I feel poorly about myself, I find myself making snap judgments of people based upon how they dress, act, and even their political choices. It is embarrassing to say, but I need to tear others down to feel better about myself.
When I feel terrific about myself, I tend to feel self-righteous, often posturing myself into sainthood because my sins and mistakes are "not that bad" compared to others. In the social media example from earlier, I began pointing out all of this person's flaws to feel superior and better. The truth is - I struggle with many of the same things that this person is struggling with. I needed to tear this person down so that their sins would overshadow how inadequate I felt about my own sins.
We Aren't So Different
I wanted to challenge my thinking because I knew that my way of thinking was beginning to tear down this other person's value and worth. I was angry at this person, but I didn't know the full truth, and I didn't need to devalue who they were as a person.
I am a writer, so I chose to write down two things:
- What did this person do to offend me? What was I angry about? I needed to understand what exactly this person did that made me angry.
- Then I wrote down the numbers 1 through 5. I used this section to write down when I had done similar things or had similar thoughts. In fact, my list of five things turned into a list of nearly 20 things.
Conclusion
This exercise in judgment taught me the value of humility. When I think too highly about myself, I can look down on others. When I think too highly about other people, I can tear down myself.
For the record, I still don't agree with my former colleague's choices and life decisions, but I have made the decision to accept that their choices are their responsibility. If I choose to alienate this person, then I eliminate the possibility of speaking the truth into their life in a nonthreatening way. I have found that change is more likely to occur in the lives of people who feel valued, heard, and accepted.
Don't get me wrong, there are times when we have to judge others healthily. For example, you may have to make judgments over who to hire, who to allow your kids to hang out with, whom to marry, whom to entrust with valuable information, etc.
However, I think that we get ourselves into the most trouble when we judge someone to tear down their value and self-worth. It is in the "I'm not so bad" thinking that creates more division than compassion. It evokes more anger than empathy. It alienates more than brings together.
We are often judged by others with the same measure we use to judge them. In other words, HOW I judge others is HOW others will judge me.
