Over my two-year journey through divorce, I have been honored to meet a fraternity of people who have come alongside me to love, support, and inspire me. Here are seven pieces of advice that I learned from others:
1. Time Does Heal Wounds
There is some truth in the expression "time heals all wounds." It may not heal all of our wounds. Still, everyone needs a certain amount of time to recover from the emotional and mental upheaval caused by broken relationships, the death of a loved one, or a personal crisis.I remember someone telling me that it took them about two years to fully feel healed from their divorce. At the time, I thought that they were completely wrong; however, I am noticing that it has taken me two years to heal from the pain of a broken 13-year marriage.
I am here to say that there is life on the other side of the pain - if you just allow yourself time to heal before you jump into another relationship.
2. Embrace Your Struggle
Les Parrot states, "Take the energy it takes to stay stuck in your suffering and use it to write a new chapter in your life." I love that statement because we all have the opportunity to grow bitter or better from any circumstance that life throws at us. I think of the example of the late ESPN anchor Stuart Scott, who refused to view his terminal Cancer diagnosis as a life sentence. While many throw up the white flag of surrender and give up, Scott chose to make the most out of his life and relationships.
I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for several months. While I was wallowing in my self-pity, I began journaling about my journey. I began reflecting on the 50% of my marriage that I destroyed, the character flaws that I had, and the things that I wanted to change about myself. It was painful to take a long honest look at myself because it was a reminder of how much I thought I failed.
3. Connect - Connect - Connect
We were never meant to do life alone! Sure. You might need time to yourself or be alone, but try not to make it a habit to suffer by yourself for extended periods. I intentionally chose to push myself out of my comfort zone and be around people.
First, I chose to attend a Divorce Care group during the first few months of my divorce. It was helpful to be around people going through the same thing; however, I quickly grew tired of talking about divorce.
Eventually, a good friend of mine suggested that I try ballroom dancing. It was a fantastic way to connect with other people in a non-threatening and positive environment. I met a lot of amazing people who loved and accepted me for me.
I began attending a Bible study with a group of colleagues. Most of the time, I felt out of place and inferior; however, a few of my friends went out of their way to mentor and encourage me to keep coming....so I did.4. Reinvent Yourself
Divorce changes you in good and bad ways. You will never be the innocent person that you might have thought you were. You will never be healed entirely because there will always be scars and baggage from the past; however, you don't have to allow this to define you. You can begin creating a new definition of yourself.
I intentionally began to look for one new thing to try each month. I wanted to try new things so that I could become a well-rounded man. What did I do?
- Learned Ballroom and Latin dancing
- Earned a bronze medal certification in Waltz
- Took a cooking class
- Learned the art of whittling/wood carving
- Kayaked for the first time
- Began running and ran my first 5K
- Volunteered for Meals on Wheels
- Learned how to swim
- Learned meditation
- Volunteered at the Ronald McDonald House
5. Don't Jump into Dating
Early in my separation, I found it extremely painful to deal with the fact that my ex moved on during our marriage. It wasn't fair! Like a stubborn and entitled three-year-old, I decided that I was going to date. I disregarded the wise advice of friends and family and embarked on a trainwreck of dysfunctional relationships, poor decisions, and personal failures.
Eventually, I came to my senses, but that was not without the consequences of hurting several different women. I was emotionally unstable, unavailable, and immature. I needed time to be enough for myself so that I could eventually be enough for someone else.
There isn't a day that goes by that I am not sorry for the hurt that I caused and the poor choices that I intentionally and unintentionally made. My advice is to give yourself at least a year.
6. Seasonal Friendships and "Relationships"
It is a fact that people come and go from our lives. Since you are going through a world of hurt, the relationships that appear to disappear often hurt the most. I have found that some people have a difficult time relating to someone who is going through something they have never experienced.
I have had several fair-weather friends, who appeared supportive during the beginning stages of my divorce, appeared to vanish after several months later. For example, a friend of mine told me that he had "intentionally distanced" himself from me because he didn't know how to talk to me. Several years later, I can understand - but it still hurts.
I have had several fair-weather friends, who appeared supportive during the beginning stages of my divorce, appeared to vanish after several months later. For example, a friend of mine told me that he had "intentionally distanced" himself from me because he didn't know how to talk to me. Several years later, I can understand - but it still hurts.
I had former friends and family members, who took sides and never allowed me to share the truth. I had people who turned their backs on me because I was too "broken" for their liking. I had colleagues and neighbors spread rumors about me - some true and some not.
I had women suddenly befriend me, who quickly disappeared as soon as they realized that there was no possibility of a romantic relationship.
We have friendships and relationships that are active for a season and then fizzle away like the autumn leaves. I say all of this, not to place pity on myself, but to share the reality of divorce. People are imperfect, take sides, and leave when things get uncomfortable.
In all sincerity, I am thankful for the friends and family who chose to love or reject me through my mess, who chose to stand by my side or disappear, who offered encouragement or silence. I can honestly say that I am ok with it all because all pieces were necessary pieces of the puzzle of my healing. Don't take it personally, but instead, choose to love and accept others anyways!
Imperfection is the perfect soil to grow long-lasting relationships with others. There are others grow even closer to you, choose to love you when you are unlovable and want to befriend you when you are not perfect.
Imperfection is the perfect soil to grow long-lasting relationships with others. There are others grow even closer to you, choose to love you when you are unlovable and want to befriend you when you are not perfect.
7. Get Out of Yourself
About a year ago, I was going through a difficult stretch and a severe bout of depression. I was extremely selfish, self-centered, and conceited. Everything revolved around me and my problems.
It was shortly after my uncle died when I began to realize that life is so much more than my world. He was an amazing example of a selfless person, who gave up until the day he died. I chose to honor his memory by serving as a volunteer at Meals on Wheels.
This has been a lifechanging experience for me because it has allowed me to connect and serve others in ways I never thought was possible. There is something positive that happens when you get out of yourself for a few hours each week and concentrate on others. You begin to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. You begin to see that the point of life is to love and care about others.
Getting out of myself allowed me to find new ways to give to others. It created in me a more giving and loving heart. I am not the same man I was a year or two years ago. Why? Because of my experiences putting others first.
Conclusion
If you are going through a divorce or another life struggle, I am sorry. Although I can somewhat relate, I can only imagine your pain. We are never quite prepared for the efforts that life throws at us; however, I do know one thing - we are stronger than we think.
At the moments that I felt the weakest, I would cry out to God for some sort of spiritual hug. Like clockwork, I would get a kind text message, an encouraging quote, a random act of kindness. I encourage you to take the time to heal, connect, and grow. Your life is not over. You have been given the gift of a fresh start and a new chapter. It's your choice to embrace it or reject it.
